it is 2018

Hey guys.

[WARNING: THIS POST IS DEPRESSING AS HELL. NOTHING FUN. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. HAHAHHAHAHA]

Right now the clock is showing 10:07 pm of the last day for 2017.

I'm taking a short break since like 7pm ago so not really short from studying to write this post. Oh, btw my first paper starts on 2nd of January and I'm so not ready for it yet.

Anyways, instead of going out to celebrate the new year here I am inside my room in this rented house listening to my 2017 most played songs playlist from spotify. Well, how was my life for the whole 2017?

I don't really know how to describe it. I am 22 years old this year, I am an adult, but I barely feel like it. Truthfully, I don't think I'm that independent myself. I still have to depend on my parents a lot for many things especially regarding my financial. Other than that, not much either.

Also, this year actually taught me how to socialize better, even though I still yet to understand it fully. I joined a theatre club and it is one of my best decision coz thru that I met so many new people that are quite the same like me; liberal and shit. They are mostly from law faculty so that's kinda explain it lol.

Since I didn't get accepted into hostel facility for my second semester in Shah Alam, I've got to rent a house outside. This is my first time living outside of college and it brought so many new experiences. And yes, it actually caused my study to deteriorate a bit since I couldn't adapt myself that much. I'll explain more about this further down.

And this year also made me realize one more thing-- that I have a depression. I wouldn't say THAT bad of a depression but maybe a mild one, I think. Or just a little stress? But I didn't feel stress. During my semester break, I woke up at noon and went to take a long bath and sit in front of my laptop and rested by laying on my bed looking at the moving fan for hours. I felt nothing. So empty. I have so many things to think (Which contradicts with this blog's name hahahhaa) and those things are something that I don't know how to solve. I have never told this to anyone, this is my first time writing it here. I felt so lonely while being surrounding by so many people. I love them; my family, my friends, my cats and foods, but I still feel empty and lonely by myself. I don't know how to really describe it. It's not extreme or that bad  I promise so don't worry about me hahaha. I had several suicidal thoughts on the most rare times but I wouldn't really proceed by killing myself that's just stupid and a waste of life. But, "having a lethal disease would kill me and it wouldnt be considered as suicide like cancer or something". This is the kind of thoughts I have. Maybe I shouldn't really tell you this but since it's getting into a new year, I think I just want to talk to people to share my problems. idk. Then again, those feeling will vanish and I feel happy to be alive and experience many great and bad things in life.

Also, one thing I need to mention here is that I have issues with myself. So many issues. Religion, sexual orientation, future decision, and so on. It's a constant war scene inside my head hahaha. Ok not really, just wanted to visualize a bit of the way I think. All of these things actually make me to not care too much about everything in this world. Well, except something that I can't control which is my own heart. I can't control of whom I like, hate, afraid and uncomfortable to be around. But mostly, I can't control of the people that I fell in love with. And it is so fucking stressful because they are usually the people that I can't tell my feelings. Why? Well, not gonna talk about it here lol hahaha.

So about my study, I did moderately fine in my first semester here with a pointer that is good enough to let people say "Hey that's kinda good." but not that great. For second semester, the semester I'm currently in, the semester that I have the most struggles with my time management and studies and people and life in particular, I don't think I'm doing fine. I failed so many tests. Something that I would have never expected from myself. I didn't study for tests and I know that and I failed and I know that but I did nothing to improve it. I'm scared of failing any subjects this semester coz if that occurred then I have to extend my year in this university which something I don't want. I need to pass. I just don't have the same passion for studying that I had during my diploma years. The eagerness for new knowledge and those kind of things. Geez.

I think this is the most I've wrote in expressing my feelings since forever. Never in my life I would think of pouring these words into real post and let people read about it, but it's 2018 and fuck it I've had enough of being by myself. I don't expect anyone to read this and if you did, don't worry about me. I'm still the same Izzi and I have always been like this since school but maybe with a lot more maturity and understanding about the world. cewah acah

I don't feel as excited as I was before to post on social media like I used to. For 2018, I hope just to be happy and healthy. I need to do some activities that help my mental health to improve. I don't even know whether I really have depression or just a normal mind like everyone else and I'm just making this looks bad. Idk. I'm not in anyone's brain to notice that lol.

It's 10:38 pm right now and I think I should continue reading my notes to prepare for the upcoming final. Please pray for me in any religion you believe in. Pray for that I will pass my exam nicely. I have not great expectation about 2018. Just another ordinary year will pass by like how it always does.

Thank you for reading.

I hope you are doing great in life and in your mind.

Have a happy new year!

May 2018 brings you a lot of love and lucks.

:)

Classmates from DiplomaLife

Hey guys! 

surprise bitch
i bet you thought you'd seen the last of me

Okay apparently I just noticed that some of my friends (a better word; classmates) have forgotten about my existence 😢.

"Dude chill, it's normal. They aren't forgetting you it's just they too have a busy life and their own lives to live!"

Yeah I know that, but here's the thing. I discovered that some people actually unfollowed me from socmeds (or maybe, idk, blocked me? meh). That's why I think they are trying to avoid me or just running away from my existence.

WHAT COULD BE THE REASONS..?

Well, I think they must have had a crucial reason for doing that. Maybe they are moving on to a newer part of their life? Like, NEW YEAR NEW ME kinda thing. Or maybe I did something wrong in the past and they couldn't really forget about it and just cut ties with me so that they wouldn't be reminded of that again? Yeah I don't really know.

But whatever the reason is, I'm offended.

No, seriously.

Maybe, you should have told me beforehand about that and I would understand that, but to just suddenly removed me from your life like that? It would be easier for me to take if we've been knowing each other for less than a couple of months but no, it has been a couple of years.


Anyway, as much as I'm pretending I don't care, I care a lot. But it's your life, do what you want though I'm holding no grudges towards you
                                      :)

If it's for the better, then I'm okay with it. Just, don't forget our friendships aite? I'll be there if you choose to come back again and wanting to know me again. hahahaa.


To end this post, I'm going to state one thing again: I'm not sad, just a little bit curious of why would you do that. But I'm okay.

thank you!


p/s: Seems like I'm going to write a lot this year. Hah! Keep updated lel

Early 2k17 (Update of my current Life)

So hey guys! How you doin? I hope you're doing okay. 

Well... 2017 has been great so far with a lot of new things and unexpected decisions. Looking back on previous years, I think I did a good job in living as a human. So far, no weird diseases or extreme sickness or even infectious diseases have gotten into me, thank god. lol
Can't say much about my heart condition though (hint: I'm dead inside 😂 )
My academic progress has reached a new height! Since I'm done with Diploma already. So kinda like a new achievement unlocked eh?

So, here comes the new challenge. Today is 12th Feb of 2017 and I've just decided to further my degree in UiTM Shah Alam. surprise bitches The result for the uitm intake of march came out like on 10th Feb (which was on friday btw) and since then I've been thinking a lot. Frankly speaking, I'm way more interested in pursuing my degree in USM coz I've been aiming that place since like uhh 2014 maybe? Idk. But yeah I guess I'll just choose this route for now. The more important think to consider right now is the time taken for me to complete the degree (since I'm 22 y/o already ew ancient dino old fuck) and the accessibility of the course itself (biology ftw).

I was thinking of applying for the UPU and wishing and sacrifice myself to satan to get accepted lol jk to get into USM butttt the thing is I don't know what courses to take. You see? The problem with me is that I know nothing and I'm afraid of everything. The risks of doing this are there, a very high risk. So yeah I said to myself, "fuck this shit I'm going to uitm penerapan."

Yeah this is a wayyy safer road than the other one by going to this uitm. hahaha. And plus! -- It'll cost me less money since I don't really wanna put the burden on my family that much to pay for all of the costs and shits of me doing degree. (Think about the future!)

Having considered all of these, I'll go to UiTM. Hahahaha.

You might think like, "Ew izzi is over-reacting fuck off." 

Well then, you're not wrong. But hey it's not like you got the chance to make this kind of decision everyday right? It's going to affect my life for the next couple of years. Probably my ego as well possessing my way of handling stuffs

I don't even know what is the point of this post but yeah you got that one new info about me.
"So what course you're going to study?"

Uhh, I'm not going to mention it here just yet but well if you are really insisting on knowing that just contact me personally hahaha. Yeah I'll just update about my life soon enough after I've gotten into the place sebab aku akan meroyan pasal studies. HAHAHAHA ok

Yeah that's it. Till we meet again!

p/s: OMG THE FIRST POST OF 2K17. HAPPY NEW YEAR EBELIBADI!