it is 2018

Hey guys.

[WARNING: THIS POST IS DEPRESSING AS HELL. NOTHING FUN. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. HAHAHHAHAHA]

Right now the clock is showing 10:07 pm of the last day for 2017.

I'm taking a short break since like 7pm ago so not really short from studying to write this post. Oh, btw my first paper starts on 2nd of January and I'm so not ready for it yet.

Anyways, instead of going out to celebrate the new year here I am inside my room in this rented house listening to my 2017 most played songs playlist from spotify. Well, how was my life for the whole 2017?

I don't really know how to describe it. I am 22 years old this year, I am an adult, but I barely feel like it. Truthfully, I don't think I'm that independent myself. I still have to depend on my parents a lot for many things especially regarding my financial. Other than that, not much either.

Also, this year actually taught me how to socialize better, even though I still yet to understand it fully. I joined a theatre club and it is one of my best decision coz thru that I met so many new people that are quite the same like me; liberal and shit. They are mostly from law faculty so that's kinda explain it lol.

Since I didn't get accepted into hostel facility for my second semester in Shah Alam, I've got to rent a house outside. This is my first time living outside of college and it brought so many new experiences. And yes, it actually caused my study to deteriorate a bit since I couldn't adapt myself that much. I'll explain more about this further down.

And this year also made me realize one more thing-- that I have a depression. I wouldn't say THAT bad of a depression but maybe a mild one, I think. Or just a little stress? But I didn't feel stress. During my semester break, I woke up at noon and went to take a long bath and sit in front of my laptop and rested by laying on my bed looking at the moving fan for hours. I felt nothing. So empty. I have so many things to think (Which contradicts with this blog's name hahahhaa) and those things are something that I don't know how to solve. I have never told this to anyone, this is my first time writing it here. I felt so lonely while being surrounding by so many people. I love them; my family, my friends, my cats and foods, but I still feel empty and lonely by myself. I don't know how to really describe it. It's not extreme or that bad  I promise so don't worry about me hahaha. I had several suicidal thoughts on the most rare times but I wouldn't really proceed by killing myself that's just stupid and a waste of life. But, "having a lethal disease would kill me and it wouldnt be considered as suicide like cancer or something". This is the kind of thoughts I have. Maybe I shouldn't really tell you this but since it's getting into a new year, I think I just want to talk to people to share my problems. idk. Then again, those feeling will vanish and I feel happy to be alive and experience many great and bad things in life.

Also, one thing I need to mention here is that I have issues with myself. So many issues. Religion, sexual orientation, future decision, and so on. It's a constant war scene inside my head hahaha. Ok not really, just wanted to visualize a bit of the way I think. All of these things actually make me to not care too much about everything in this world. Well, except something that I can't control which is my own heart. I can't control of whom I like, hate, afraid and uncomfortable to be around. But mostly, I can't control of the people that I fell in love with. And it is so fucking stressful because they are usually the people that I can't tell my feelings. Why? Well, not gonna talk about it here lol hahaha.

So about my study, I did moderately fine in my first semester here with a pointer that is good enough to let people say "Hey that's kinda good." but not that great. For second semester, the semester I'm currently in, the semester that I have the most struggles with my time management and studies and people and life in particular, I don't think I'm doing fine. I failed so many tests. Something that I would have never expected from myself. I didn't study for tests and I know that and I failed and I know that but I did nothing to improve it. I'm scared of failing any subjects this semester coz if that occurred then I have to extend my year in this university which something I don't want. I need to pass. I just don't have the same passion for studying that I had during my diploma years. The eagerness for new knowledge and those kind of things. Geez.

I think this is the most I've wrote in expressing my feelings since forever. Never in my life I would think of pouring these words into real post and let people read about it, but it's 2018 and fuck it I've had enough of being by myself. I don't expect anyone to read this and if you did, don't worry about me. I'm still the same Izzi and I have always been like this since school but maybe with a lot more maturity and understanding about the world. cewah acah

I don't feel as excited as I was before to post on social media like I used to. For 2018, I hope just to be happy and healthy. I need to do some activities that help my mental health to improve. I don't even know whether I really have depression or just a normal mind like everyone else and I'm just making this looks bad. Idk. I'm not in anyone's brain to notice that lol.

It's 10:38 pm right now and I think I should continue reading my notes to prepare for the upcoming final. Please pray for me in any religion you believe in. Pray for that I will pass my exam nicely. I have not great expectation about 2018. Just another ordinary year will pass by like how it always does.

Thank you for reading.

I hope you are doing great in life and in your mind.

Have a happy new year!

May 2018 brings you a lot of love and lucks.

:)

FourthSem.

Hello people!

Phew. It's already December. We're nearing 2016.

Anyways, I'm in my fourth semester right now. Just started in 2 weeks ago.
Of course, I've been looking forward how my relationship between me and Aqil going to be since the first day I entered here.

At first I was like, "Well, we probably will never be as close as before. Kden."

Then a couple of days later we started talking again. Cool.
SO, I can proudly say there's no more fraud between us (I guess) for now. Hahahaha. What a great thing to start the semester.


This semester I'll be in class G. There are like 2 permanent members of this class that is the same gender as me.

"Is it new to you? Do you find it uncomfortable? How do you cope with being with those gurls?"

To answer those questions, No No and I cope easily.
I find it comfortable to be around people with any genders. It's not a big problem.

The only REAL problem I'm having right now is my phone.
I couldn't use my whatsapp, any apps on my phone or anything except for sms, calling and hotspot for my laptop's internet. It's not thaat easy to live like this, coz I need to ask my friend about the current update of the class, any works or something. Sometimes I feel like I burden to much people as I'm not capable of finding the info by myself. Sorry friends!

Don't worry, I'll try to buy a new phone as soon as possible. To achieve that I need to save money.
Heck, 2 weeks into this fourth semester I'm able to save like RM50. lol

By January 2016, I will try to persuade my 'bankers' to add more money for this purpose. heuheu


That's it I think for now. I hope it all going to be okay for you and for me :D

Bye!

p/s: I'm starting my old hobby; drawing. I've drawn 3 portraits so far and likely to increase. It's so fun!!!!

Sem3: Ended, yet not finished.

Hello you people!

it's me. finally. thank god. it's me yes i'm here writing this!

I just started my semester break (weeks ago actually lol). I really looking forward to spend my holiday with doing something that would benefit myself. Like maybe, gaining weight hahhaha.

I'm just going to write about how--from the start towards the end, of my semester 3 in diploma.

[Warning: expect some wall of texts and maybe pictures.]


     I started this semester around june. Got my result and quite happy with how it turned out to be. So I entered the new semester with lot of hopes. Got into my room and discovered that I would be spending the whole couple of months with my previous roommate from semester 2 + additional roommate, as it turned out to be my previous room neighbour. Perfect! Got into the same class as before even though they changed the name from the gorgeous ASD3Cn to a bit complicated RAS1203C. Huh. I couldn't refer to any classes with ( Aplhabetn ) concept anymore after this. Oh well. Improvement is great right? Okay.

     Then my classmates (some of them) got into some issues with the class schedules. They want to be in 3C but some of the overlapped schedules just made them frustrated. I reaaaally wanted to help them so I went to follow them anywhere to know the deals even though I couldn't really keep the pace of it everytime since my own schedule but I tried. Hah!. At the end they could stay but some of the subjects would have to be separated, but hey we were still together right? :)

Class 3C. those circles were aliens. dont mind em xD

Boys of 3C (biology). That man sitting was our lecturer.

     My friends brought together with them vehicles this semester. Whoa cool! So yeah I did bring my helmet as well since I don't own any vehicles (ps: my red kancil car rosak. #prayforkancilmerah). We went to eat outside EVERY SINGLE NIGHT during the first week of the new semester. Goddamn my money just flowed out of my wallet just like that. Oh, some of us (a very close friends since sem 1 + shukri from sem 2) went together to Alor Star. Our main mission? To eat at one of our friends' mom's food stall. The journey itself was FANTASTIC. I seriously like it so much that it became the highlight of my semester 3, well kinda. It was like an adventure to me, also as a car driver. Never tried driving an auto car before nor went to Alor Star by myself, I was so scared that we might encounter with some sort of unluckiness. But phew it all worked out fine in the end.

     Halfway through the semester, I started to become odd. I didn't understand Physics, I failed my Math tests, I procrastinated too much and laziness just kicked me hard. It was hard. Past semester, I could easily tackle most of the things but for this semester I acted the same but failed. Guess I was so preoccupied with the results that I got with my previous sem so I took everything so lightly. It was stupid. Oh, I skipped a class. A CLASS. My young self wouldn't believe this if I told him. lol. Just a class no biggie actually.

     Other than that, I really enjoyed my time in my co curricular activities. Seriously, it was the best decision I made to enter the community services. I met many people from different backgrounds, doing activities with them together, spending time with socializing and shits. God it was great. Even though I acted a bit of shy, I still going all out with them. We took sooooo many selfies. Oh, and the best part of that was when I went to a camp with them at Yan. Yep. It made me feel a little bit better. 10/10 would do it again in future. :')

Some of my classmates from cocurricular class.

     Okay. Then we entered into a serious issues. Throughout the semester I told myself that I would be outspoken and going with the flow with everybody. YEAH! Guess what? I DID NOT DO THAT. In fact, I did ditch people out of my uncomfortable-ness. I'm sorry. It just my introverted mind that kept me from speaking or showing any interests towards anything. I ended up just sit in my freaking room for most of the hours. Listening to music, watching movies, looking through pictures, Internet-ing, and else. God I'm An Awful person. But hey I did try a bit though. I guess one of the reasons of why I couldn't really mix with my male friends because of the lack of the same interests. You sell, most of the time they all talked about motorcycles and stuffs, football and other sports which I showed no interest. I tried to get into but the idea itself was repulsive to me.

     Honestly writing, I endured a mild depression towards the end of this semester. I seriously fucked up my world so bad. I avoided eating for a day, avoided contact with human, staying on bed from midnight to 4am trying to fall asleep but failed, sit in the dark inside of the room, listening to other people's laugh while I sit on the chair looking at the wall wondering why I was such a loser to the world and other shitty things. What leaded to this? SOOOO MANY THINGS. I couldn't tell it all but I could story some of it.

1. Aqil. I will straight up mention his name because I felt terrible for ignoring him. I had issues with him. Like, what? Yeah. I considered him as one of my best friends at there and I seriously looking forward to spend more exciting years with him. Somehow, something made things go from THIS IS COOL to I WANT TO DIE real fast. Firstly, when we went to Penang we (me and him) were accustomed to be drivers. Okay. So there was a moment where he made a mistake and kept telling himself shit shit i'm sorry and all those sort of things. I should have talk to him and say stuff like dude it's okay don't freak out or chilllll. But I didn't and I left him alone driving while I looked outside of the window the whole journey. I don't know. I still felt guilty about that. Then, it happened. THE MAIN EVENT. Short story: Class of semester 2 went together to our lecturer's house to eat and see each other blabla. She (our lecturer) packed extra food and gave us to bring back at college. Cool. Went back and Shukri asked me whos food is this and I replied idk man and he said im full to eat anymore and I said maybe you should give it to someone idk maybe ur roommate and he said Okay. No big deal right? Yes, or so I thought. Then when me and Shukri were talking inside my room, Aqil went to ask wheres my foood and I said in my mind OH SHIT and Shukri told he had given it away and Aqil was extremely upset and just went like that. yes guys. That was how it started. The guiltiness kicked me real hard in the heart and I acted differently since. I avoided seeing him to give him the time to recover from that anger. Ended up I actually avoided talking with him until the end of the semester. During that period I was extremely upset with myself. Thinking about how and why I did this. I miss him. Yet I couldn't speak to him directly. I left some hints on twitter though. I just wanted the situation to be clear and to be just like before. I don't know if I took this matter too deep or too serious but I just wanted it to settle off. We didn't talk. We didn't even maintain eye contact. Even if we were in the same room, we didn't talk. I might be the problem. I'm sorry. I fucked up this so bad. Anyway, I tried my best to come out of this problem. But hey, I guess things a little bit better because before I went back home to spend my holiday I said something and shook hands with you after a couple of months of ignoring each other, right? Ha ha ha.. 
2. I told myself at first, I might not be suitable with them (my male coursemates that live on the same level of me in same college) so I might want to keep it low with them. Yep. Then I became a bit of jealous when they didn't include me inside their group of whatsapp. lol. No, actually I was a bit jealous when I was left with no info about whatsoever was happening at the time around their group. They planned something? Geez I didn't know that. I shouldn't take this thing like a big deal but somehow I just felt that way. Before this, I kinda close with them since Aqil is really good with them. Since I avoided Aqil, I avoided them as well even not as much as what I might think. Oh fuck I don't know. I seriously don't know what I typed right now. Ah.
3. Personal issues I guess? What I had in mind that contradicted with many people. I just didn't find my place to sit still and enjoy myself. I always had this kind of doubtful and not in the same league as anyone around here. I felt, like an alien. I didn't feel like telling anyone about it since I didn't want to add another problems into their lives so I should handle this myself. Heh. 

That person without circle was our lecturer. This pic, we went to her house.

     I didn't really write everything though since I don't remember everything in just one-go-of-writing. Maybe if there are something that worth knowing I would let you know in the next post. Probably. That's it I guess as for now. Oh by the way, my depression has decreased a bit but not entirely. Someday maybe :)

p/s: Aqil, if you stumbled upon this and read this post please know that I responsible for that mysterious 'slipper on rack' incidents which might left you frustrated hahaha. Sorry dude.forgive me.

second p/s: I'm gonna fail many subjects this semester. Sorry mum and dad :/ , but hey you would never know this.

third p/s: Those inverted people's faces in pictures above were because of no apparent reason. I just feel like hiding their identities hahahaha. If you're so rajin go and re-inverted those photo to see em faces.

Bye!

It's July'14 !

Hello people !
Okay. So it's already July 2014 , still a few months left before this year ends. I have a lot of story to be told here (typed) but I start with something latest. I just downloaded an app for android called Blogger which literally similar to this site but for phone version.
With this new app I can post something on my regular basis, yes? I.Think.So.

Secondly, I'm now continue studying in a place that called YOU. Trust me, the only difference between this place and other institute is the environment ; social, people, life styles and lecturer/teacher. The stage for learning process can be hard moderate or easy ( too lazy to put comma there ). Truth be told, I miss my previous Alma mater. To be frank, both are located in Arau. Lol.

After that, MUET ! Okay. I done with it, my first time sitting for that test. Seriously, it WASN'T EVEN GOOD. I did my worst in every section I took. Nothing to blame other than myself. Speaking was a hell bad, writing was super unwell , listening ? Okay I guess. Reading ? Asdfghjkl. I don't know. I definitely can smell the high probability of me to repeat that test again. But I wish I don't . please. God.

boom! My biggest problematic problem that caused me super troublesome. DATA LOST! yes, my data including pictures videos music movies documents softwares memories nightmares are GONE just like that. Almost made me cried a bit but I didn't luckily ( gosh it really broke my heart and soul to pieces ). Just imagine, the things I captured I recorded for more than 4 years and I stored every byte of it in the folder suddenly just vanished from my life without me having the chance to back it up into my external drive. Okay. I already moved on from that. But sadly I'm not able to continue my post about many things that only buried and kept to be drafts from last year. Sorry though. Meh. Life is not always bright to you right ? You just gotta learn how to accept it sometimes.

Other than that, I'm currently on page 151 of 'The Fault In Our Stars'. And curse those people that keep spreading the spoilers on the internet. Just let me finish this book first you bastard! Haha.

Lastly, being here is really time consuming. Like once you opened your eyes and blinked suddenly it already dark. Wtf? Okay. And so many quizzes and tests to be taken in a short time. I suppose it's good that way but really wtf again? Okay. Stop. (I Apologise for my bad influence pfft ) 

That's it for now. Oh, should I provide you with some photos ? Okay. Byee

Matang vs Childish

Hello anda-anda sekalian.

senyum sikit ! ...... tudiaa, ezi suruh senyum ja bukan kerenyih. hahaha. awal2 dh mgarut
oke, tahu kan sekarang kita dalam bulan Disember [ kalu ikut kalender masihi ] dn brmkna , dh hmpir ke penghujung thun.
Next year will be challenging for me, sbb ?

✔ Spm
✔ Senior Year
✔ Kena Jadi Pengerusi Kelab
✔ Jadi Tua
✔ Jadi Tua
✔ Jadi Tua

dan sebagainya. huhu

Lagu Baru dlm Blog

weyh.
aku buh lagu baru.
ahakk. pyah nk cri lagu .
sbb aq bnyk sngt fvret songs. huh
tkpa, not important at all kan ? :P :P

whatever.
if you don't like all the song,
you can just pause or stop .
i don't mind it at all.
:D

peace world !
[ this post is totally not important . just in case. ]

:3 ... ibarat aku di rumah. ececece . wekkk, perasan.

Cerita FB [ sekadar pandangan ]

Assalamualaikum .
Hello .

 hey korang , sedar tak trend dlm fb skg ? smua pkat nk jd Popular . knon nya best laa bila rmai org dh knal.
[oke , mgkin aq sorang jer yg rasa. haha , over kan ? ]

apa rsa bila popular ? mula2 mmg best . tp , dh lma mmg rimas. lpas tu mula lahh tekanan. nak marah2 org yg slalu kacau.
pdhal diri sndiri yg nak sngt dulu kan ?

cmna cra nk popular dlm fb ?
[ bg pndpat aq ]

1. Add kawan secara rawak smpai full limit.
2. Upload gambar2 yg rasa cantik/lawa/bla bla bla.
3. Penuhkan status dengan like.

lpas tu , ap saja korang wat , akan mndpt komen/like yg bnyak. itu lah definisi popular bg mereka.
Account ad smpai 3 , 4 . alaa, kan akaun 1 dn 2 dh full kan ?
then , start making personal page, .

okee , smua neh tk kisah lahh sngt. tp , ng pmpuan. mgapa perlu mmbuka aurat untuk mnjadi popular ?
tayang rambut yg ala2 cntik la tu. [ oke , mmg cntik ] tp, kena lahh ingat .
Dengan Gambar korang tu , mcm2 bole jd tau. so , beware lahh..

Tak perlu kot nak jadi popular sngt . bajet hot or etc.
sebab ? semua sma jer. Yg Allah bg klebihan Rupa tu , jgn lahh nk mnayang sngt .
over sngt kot tu. Be normal and besa2 jer K ? :D .

Nasihat untuk diri sndiri jgak. kdg2 aku pun tringin nk jd popular , bila dh pkir kesan dy , trus btalkan niat. stakat status like bnyak tu , ap lah sngt kan ? ap2 . sya syg kwn3 sya. :D

p/s : ini just pndpt aku jer, lain kepala lain cerita. don't take it too serious eah ? :]
p/s : jd ahh popular mcm ustaz azhar idrus tuu. ^^, <-- pminat !

Ranking Hoki Dunia : Malaysia 2011

hello~

sbgai rakyat Malaysia , aku rasa bangga .
mngkin kbanyakan dr korang mmg tahu tntang bola sepak kan ?

mcm mna plak dgn hoki ?
alaa , bkan pnting pun
mmg laa , tp . pncapaian Malaysia dlm sukan Hoki boleh dibanggakan,

nak tahu ?

skrg . Malaysia berada di kedudukan ke 14 terbaik dunia. (0_0)
last update : 2011 . 11 . 1
caya ? haaa. kira mantap gak arr tu . hee.
nak tahu lagi , tngok gmbar bwah ini ~

^^ . klik link dbwah untuk ke web page.

Ranking Hoki Oii !!

Sahabat 2011 [ form 4 ] rajen baca, malas p tdoq

werrr, ingt hampa saja kot bole wat post yg sedeyh psai kwn, aq pun bole. [ tk mau klah]
HAHAHA. oke2. [ amik mood sdeyh ] rjen kan lah baca nohh.. sbb gmbaq tda nehh. [ sory. heee.. ]
spanjang 2011 neh, bnyak kwn baru yg aq knai, tk kurang juga kwn lama yg bru rapat thun neh.
jom dngaq kisah sorang2.
kita mula dngan :

Surat 'BAHAGIA'

hello everybody. first. SHRA ! tau apa ? [ selamat hari raya aidiladha ] == yg tu pun nk kna gtau ka. haiyoo..

haaa, hari neh, adalah hari pling bahagia. opps, i mean 'bahagia' ... nk tau psaipa? nk tau dak? NAK TAU DAKKK ?

hehh, ngekk sungguh aq. msti laa mpa nk tau , sbb tu mpa baca. kan2 ? -_-'
[ sory, mental tk stabil lg. . ]

haa, pihak asRAMA ad ntar surat berhubung permintaan untuk mnyertai lawatan ke korea ...
lalala.. typo yg dsengajakan.. oke, back to reality.

request untuk duduk asrama bg sheshi 2012. yakni ktika aq form 5. hoho

pastu kan, td surat yg cantik lg puteh bersih neh smpai...
jeng2 ~ ~ ~