it's me. finally. thank god. it's me yes i'm here writing this!
I just started my semester break (weeks ago actually lol). I really looking forward to spend my holiday with doing something that would benefit myself. Like maybe, gaining weight hahhaha.
I'm just going to write about how--from the start towards the end, of my semester 3 in diploma.
[Warning: expect some wall of texts and maybe pictures.]
I started this semester around june. Got my result and quite happy with how it turned out to be. So I entered the new semester with lot of hopes. Got into my room and discovered that I would be spending the whole couple of months with my previous roommate from semester 2 + additional roommate, as it turned out to be my previous room neighbour. Perfect! Got into the same class as before even though they changed the name from the gorgeous ASD3Cn to a bit complicated RAS1203C. Huh. I couldn't refer to any classes with ( Aplhabetn ) concept anymore after this. Oh well. Improvement is great right? Okay.
Then my classmates (some of them) got into some issues with the class schedules. They want to be in 3C but some of the overlapped schedules just made them frustrated. I reaaaally wanted to help them so I went to follow them anywhere to know the deals even though I couldn't really keep the pace of it everytime since my own schedule but I tried. Hah!. At the end they could stay but some of the subjects would have to be separated, but hey we were still together right? :)
|Class 3C. those circles were aliens. dont mind em xD|
|Boys of 3C (biology). That man sitting was our lecturer.|
My friends brought together with them vehicles this semester. Whoa cool! So yeah I did bring my helmet as well since I don't own any vehicles (ps: my red kancil car rosak. #prayforkancilmerah). We went to eat outside EVERY SINGLE NIGHT during the first week of the new semester. Goddamn my money just flowed out of my wallet just like that. Oh, some of us (a very close friends since sem 1 + shukri from sem 2) went together to Alor Star. Our main mission? To eat at one of our friends' mom's food stall. The journey itself was FANTASTIC. I seriously like it so much that it became the highlight of my semester 3, well kinda. It was like an adventure to me, also as a car driver. Never tried driving an auto car before nor went to Alor Star by myself, I was so scared that we might encounter with some sort of unluckiness. But phew it all worked out fine in the end.
Halfway through the semester, I started to become odd. I didn't understand Physics, I failed my Math tests, I procrastinated too much and laziness just kicked me hard. It was hard. Past semester, I could easily tackle most of the things but for this semester I acted the same but failed. Guess I was so preoccupied with the results that I got with my previous sem so I took everything so lightly. It was stupid. Oh, I skipped a class. A CLASS. My young self wouldn't believe this if I told him. lol. Just a class no biggie actually.
Other than that, I really enjoyed my time in my co curricular activities. Seriously, it was the best decision I made to enter the community services. I met many people from different backgrounds, doing activities with them together, spending time with socializing and shits. God it was great. Even though I acted a bit of shy, I still going all out with them. We took sooooo many selfies. Oh, and the best part of that was when I went to a camp with them at Yan. Yep. It made me feel a little bit better. 10/10 would do it again in future. :')
|Some of my classmates from cocurricular class.|
Okay. Then we entered into a serious issues. Throughout the semester I told myself that I would be outspoken and going with the flow with everybody. YEAH! Guess what? I DID NOT DO THAT. In fact, I did ditch people out of my uncomfortable-ness. I'm sorry. It just my introverted mind that kept me from speaking or showing any interests towards anything. I ended up just sit in my freaking room for most of the hours. Listening to music, watching movies, looking through pictures, Internet-ing, and else. God I'm An Awful person. But hey I did try a bit though. I guess one of the reasons of why I couldn't really mix with my male friends because of the lack of the same interests. You sell, most of the time they all talked about motorcycles and stuffs, football and other sports which I showed no interest. I tried to get into but the idea itself was repulsive to me.
Honestly writing, I endured a mild depression towards the end of this semester. I seriously fucked up my world so bad. I avoided eating for a day, avoided contact with human, staying on bed from midnight to 4am trying to fall asleep but failed, sit in the dark inside of the room, listening to other people's laugh while I sit on the chair looking at the wall wondering why I was such a loser to the world and other shitty things. What leaded to this? SOOOO MANY THINGS. I couldn't tell it all but I could story some of it.
- Aqil. I will straight up mention his name because I felt terrible for ignoring him. I had issues with him. Like, what? Yeah. I considered him as one of my best friends at there and I seriously looking forward to spend more exciting years with him. Somehow, something made things go from THIS IS COOL to I WANT TO DIE real fast. Firstly, when we went to Penang we (me and him) were accustomed to be drivers. Okay. So there was a moment where he made a mistake and kept telling himself shit shit i'm sorry and all those sort of things. I should have talk to him and say stuff like dude it's okay don't freak out or chilllll. But I didn't and I left him alone driving while I looked outside of the window the whole journey. I don't know. I still felt guilty about that. Then, it happened. THE MAIN EVENT. Short story: Class of semester 2 went together to our lecturer's house to eat and see each other blabla. She (our lecturer) packed extra food and gave us to bring back at college. Cool. Went back and Shukri asked me whos food is this and I replied idk man and he said im full to eat anymore and I said maybe you should give it to someone idk maybe ur roommate and he said Okay. No big deal right? Yes, or so I thought. Then when me and Shukri were talking inside my room, Aqil went to ask wheres my foood and I said in my mind OH SHIT and Shukri told he had given it away and Aqil was extremely upset and just went like that. yes guys. That was how it started. The guiltiness kicked me real hard in the heart and I acted differently since. I avoided seeing him to give him the time to recover from that anger. Ended up I actually avoided talking with him until the end of the semester. During that period I was extremely upset with myself. Thinking about how and why I did this. I miss him. Yet I couldn't speak to him directly. I left some hints on twitter though. I just wanted the situation to be clear and to be just like before. I don't know if I took this matter too deep or too serious but I just wanted it to settle off. We didn't talk. We didn't even maintain eye contact. Even if we were in the same room, we didn't talk. I might be the problem. I'm sorry. I fucked up this so bad. Anyway, I tried my best to come out of this problem. But hey, I guess things a little bit better because before I went back home to spend my holiday I said something and shook hands with you after a couple of months of ignoring each other, right? Ha ha ha..
- I told myself at first, I might not be suitable with them (my male coursemates that live on the same level of me in same college) so I might want to keep it low with them. Yep. Then I became a bit of jealous when they didn't include me inside their group of whatsapp. lol. No, actually I was a bit jealous when I was left with no info about whatsoever was happening at the time around their group. They planned something? Geez I didn't know that. I shouldn't take this thing like a big deal but somehow I just felt that way. Before this, I kinda close with them since Aqil is really good with them. Since I avoided Aqil, I avoided them as well even not as much as what I might think. Oh fuck I don't know. I seriously don't know what I typed right now. Ah.
- Personal issues I guess? What I had in mind that contradicted with many people. I just didn't find my place to sit still and enjoy myself. I always had this kind of doubtful and not in the same league as anyone around here. I felt, like an alien. I didn't feel like telling anyone about it since I didn't want to add another problems into their lives so I should handle this myself. Heh.
|That person without circle was our lecturer. This pic, we went to her house.|
I didn't really write everything though since I don't remember everything in just one-go-of-writing. Maybe if there are something that worth knowing I would let you know in the next post. Probably. That's it I guess as for now. Oh by the way, my depression has decreased a bit but not entirely. Someday maybe :)
p/s: Aqil, if you stumbled upon this and read this post please know that I responsible for that mysterious 'slipper on rack' incidents which might left you frustrated hahaha. Sorry dude.forgive me.
second p/s: I'm gonna fail many subjects this semester. Sorry mum and dad :/ , but hey you would never know this.
third p/s: Those inverted people's faces in pictures above were because of no apparent reason. I just feel like hiding their identities hahahaha. If you're so rajin go and re-inverted those photo to see em faces.