Kelik kalau anda rajin,.. :] _

Sunday 31 December 2017

it is 2018

Hey guys.

[WARNING: THIS POST IS DEPRESSING AS HELL. NOTHING FUN. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. HAHAHHAHAHA]

Right now the clock is showing 10:07 pm of the last day for 2017.

I'm taking a short break since like 7pm ago so not really short from studying to write this post. Oh, btw my first paper starts on 2nd of January and I'm so not ready for it yet.

Anyways, instead of going out to celebrate the new year here I am inside my room in this rented house listening to my 2017 most played songs playlist from spotify. Well, how was my life for the whole 2017?

I don't really know how to describe it. I am 22 years old this year, I am an adult, but I barely feel like it. Truthfully, I don't think I'm that independent myself. I still have to depend on my parents a lot for many things especially regarding my financial. Other than that, not much either.

Also, this year actually taught me how to socialize better, even though I still yet to understand it fully. I joined a theatre club and it is one of my best decision coz thru that I met so many new people that are quite the same like me; liberal and shit. They are mostly from law faculty so that's kinda explain it lol.

Since I didn't get accepted into hostel facility for my second semester in Shah Alam, I've got to rent a house outside. This is my first time living outside of college and it brought so many new experiences. And yes, it actually caused my study to deteriorate a bit since I couldn't adapt myself that much. I'll explain more about this further down.

And this year also made me realize one more thing-- that I have a depression. I wouldn't say THAT bad of a depression but maybe a mild one, I think. Or just a little stress? But I didn't feel stress. During my semester break, I woke up at noon and went to take a long bath and sit in front of my laptop and rested by laying on my bed looking at the moving fan for hours. I felt nothing. So empty. I have so many things to think (Which contradicts with this blog's name hahahhaa) and those things are something that I don't know how to solve. I have never told this to anyone, this is my first time writing it here. I felt so lonely while being surrounding by so many people. I love them; my family, my friends, my cats and foods, but I still feel empty and lonely by myself. I don't know how to really describe it. It's not extreme or that bad  I promise so don't worry about me hahaha. I had several suicidal thoughts on the most rare times but I wouldn't really proceed by killing myself that's just stupid and a waste of life. But, "having a lethal disease would kill me and it wouldnt be considered as suicide like cancer or something". This is the kind of thoughts I have. Maybe I shouldn't really tell you this but since it's getting into a new year, I think I just want to talk to people to share my problems. idk. Then again, those feeling will vanish and I feel happy to be alive and experience many great and bad things in life.

Also, one thing I need to mention here is that I have issues with myself. So many issues. Religion, sexual orientation, future decision, and so on. It's a constant war scene inside my head hahaha. Ok not really, just wanted to visualize a bit of the way I think. All of these things actually make me to not care too much about everything in this world. Well, except something that I can't control which is my own heart. I can't control of whom I like, hate, afraid and uncomfortable to be around. But mostly, I can't control of the people that I fell in love with. And it is so fucking stressful because they are usually the people that I can't tell my feelings. Why? Well, not gonna talk about it here lol hahaha.

So about my study, I did moderately fine in my first semester here with a pointer that is good enough to let people say "Hey that's kinda good." but not that great. For second semester, the semester I'm currently in, the semester that I have the most struggles with my time management and studies and people and life in particular, I don't think I'm doing fine. I failed so many tests. Something that I would have never expected from myself. I didn't study for tests and I know that and I failed and I know that but I did nothing to improve it. I'm scared of failing any subjects this semester coz if that occurred then I have to extend my year in this university which something I don't want. I need to pass. I just don't have the same passion for studying that I had during my diploma years. The eagerness for new knowledge and those kind of things. Geez.

I think this is the most I've wrote in expressing my feelings since forever. Never in my life I would think of pouring these words into real post and let people read about it, but it's 2018 and fuck it I've had enough of being by myself. I don't expect anyone to read this and if you did, don't worry about me. I'm still the same Izzi and I have always been like this since school but maybe with a lot more maturity and understanding about the world. cewah acah

I don't feel as excited as I was before to post on social media like I used to. For 2018, I hope just to be happy and healthy. I need to do some activities that help my mental health to improve. I don't even know whether I really have depression or just a normal mind like everyone else and I'm just making this looks bad. Idk. I'm not in anyone's brain to notice that lol.

It's 10:38 pm right now and I think I should continue reading my notes to prepare for the upcoming final. Please pray for me in any religion you believe in. Pray for that I will pass my exam nicely. I have not great expectation about 2018. Just another ordinary year will pass by like how it always does.

Thank you for reading.

I hope you are doing great in life and in your mind.

Have a happy new year!

May 2018 brings you a lot of love and lucks.

:)



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