[WARNING: THIS POST IS DEPRESSING AS HELL. NOTHING FUN. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. HAHAHHAHAHA]
Right now the clock is showing 10:07 pm of the last day for 2017.
I'm taking a short break
Anyways, instead of going out to celebrate the new year here I am inside my room in this rented house listening to my 2017 most played songs playlist from spotify. Well, how was my life for the whole 2017?
I don't really know how to describe it. I am 22 years old this year, I am an adult, but I barely feel like it. Truthfully, I don't think I'm that independent myself. I still have to depend on my parents a lot for many things especially regarding my financial. Other than that, not much either.
Also, this year actually taught me how to socialize better, even though I still yet to understand it fully. I joined a theatre club and it is one of my best decision coz thru that I met so many new people that are quite the same like me; liberal and shit. They are mostly from law faculty so that's kinda explain it lol.
Since I didn't get accepted into hostel facility for my second semester in Shah Alam, I've got to rent a house outside. This is my first time living outside of college and it brought so many new experiences. And yes, it actually caused my study to deteriorate a bit since I couldn't adapt myself that much. I'll explain more about this further down.
And this year also made me realize one more thing-- that I have a depression. I wouldn't say THAT bad of a depression but maybe a mild one, I think. Or just a little stress? But I didn't feel stress. During my semester break, I woke up at noon and went to take a long bath and sit in front of my laptop and rested by laying on my bed looking at the moving fan for hours. I felt nothing. So empty. I have so many things to think (Which contradicts with this blog's name hahahhaa) and those things are something that I don't know how to solve. I have never told this to anyone, this is my first time writing it here. I felt so lonely while being surrounding by so many people. I love them; my family, my friends, my cats and foods, but I still feel empty and lonely by myself. I don't know how to really describe it. It's not extreme or that bad I promise so don't worry about me hahaha. I had several suicidal thoughts on the most rare times but I wouldn't really proceed by killing myself that's just stupid and a waste of life. But, "having a lethal disease would kill me and it wouldnt be considered as suicide like cancer or something". This is the kind of thoughts I have. Maybe I shouldn't really tell you this but since it's getting into a new year, I think I just want to talk to people to share my problems. idk. Then again, those feeling will vanish and I feel happy to be alive and experience many great and bad things in life.
Also, one thing I need to mention here is that I have issues with myself. So many issues. Religion, sexual orientation, future decision, and so on. It's a constant war scene inside my head hahaha. Ok not really, just wanted to visualize a bit of the way I think. All of these things actually make me to not care too much about everything in this world. Well, except something that I can't control which is my own heart. I can't control of whom I like, hate, afraid and uncomfortable to be around. But mostly, I can't control of the people that I fell in love with. And it is so fucking stressful because they are usually the people that I can't tell my feelings. Why? Well, not gonna talk about it here lol hahaha.
So about my study, I did moderately fine in my first semester here with a pointer that is good enough to let people say "Hey that's kinda good." but not that great. For second semester, the semester I'm currently in, the semester that I have the most struggles with my time management and studies and people and life in particular, I don't think I'm doing fine. I failed so many tests. Something that I would have never expected from myself. I didn't study for tests and I know that and I failed and I know that but I did nothing to improve it. I'm scared of failing any subjects this semester coz if that occurred then I have to extend my year in this university which something I don't want. I need to pass. I just don't have the same passion for studying that I had during my diploma years. The eagerness for new knowledge and those kind of things. Geez.
I think this is the most I've wrote in expressing my feelings since forever. Never in my life I would think of pouring these words into real post and let people read about it, but it's 2018 and fuck it I've had enough of being by myself. I don't expect anyone to read this and if you did, don't worry about me. I'm still the same Izzi and I have always been like this since school but maybe with a lot more maturity and understanding about the world. cewah acah
I don't feel as excited as I was before to post on social media like I used to. For 2018, I hope just to be happy and healthy. I need to do some activities that help my mental health to improve. I don't even know whether I really have depression or just a normal mind like everyone else and I'm just making this looks bad. Idk. I'm not in anyone's brain to notice that lol.
It's 10:38 pm right now and I think I should continue reading my notes to prepare for the upcoming final. Please pray for me in any religion you believe in. Pray for that I will pass my exam nicely. I have not great expectation about 2018. Just another ordinary year will pass by like how it always does.
Thank you for reading.
I hope you are doing great in life and in your mind.
Have a happy new year!
May 2018 brings you a lot of love and lucks.
:)
